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from MoNo

Random diary entry #4

A fine line between redemption and suicide, another walk on the edge of a cliff. Grass under the sun. I shout with my heart and tears.

“Mr. Cliff, I’ve been in your companion since I was born. I have love and care in me. Please listen!”

“I always wanted you to see me. I always wanted you to see what I am. But you’ve only spoken through the echoes. And you heard me always wrong.”

“I want to see you. I want to jump and let you see everything of me, your child. But that’s gonna be the end for my life. Because I want you to spend more time with me.”

“So I’ll keep shouting through this cloud. I’ll keep shouting until you disappear from this plane of reality.”

“Please listen, Please accept everything of me. I don’t want to jump by my own choice. I love you, Mr. Cliff.”

“Why do you keep rejecting me Mr. Cliff.”

“Why do you call this love, Mr. Cliff.”

“Why don’t you understand me.” “Please… Just let me be seen. If you truly love me.”

“Otherwise Mr. Cliff. Tell me to jump.”

I knew always that the world ends if the pain grows uncontrollably. Therefore there’s no other choice before I go insane. I will have to hang myself under the cliff. Let myself be understood, Then go onto the next life. I will forget Mr. Cliff. I will forget that I even existed.

One day it’ll happen. Be it close or far away in time. My love however, will remain even after my death.

 
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from MoNo

Random diary entry #3

My mind of which would try to distort their speech. As also my mind like growing thorns. I found a comfortable place to choke. Moving ever so slowly, as it crawls an inch by inch, A man under a black fur in a corridor dragging It's legs and reaching hands. It doesn't seem to be hostile, nor is it a friend. Once the man reaches me and hold me within his arms, It's warmth calming every inch of my tense body. The hands brushing my face to make me awake, as to open a bird from It's cage. More so, his figure gets closer to you and reveal it's mouth:

“Are you ready to depart from this world?”

 
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from Eris of Disqordia

cw: eris mention

Really? Another white bitch writes a fucking essay about Mastodon? How much of more of this Elizafox Ben Lubar shit will keep happening. If Eris doesn’t stop I’m going to defederate from Earth. This planet has ZERO moderation and it’s honestly pathetic.

*cough*

Yes, it is I. Supervillain Eris. Come to talk about the latest fedi meta and the infamous Monads. Who you either think is obsessed with me or you think I’m obsessed with depending on what awful thread you read to update yourself on the latest drama.

If you’re anything like me, you probably find it exhausting, played out, and just fucking boring like there’s so much worse shit going on in the world than drama on an obscure social media platform. But I’m stuck in it whether I like it or not, so I’m gonna write about it to at least have my narrative out there instead of told for me and about me.

First off, no, I don’t apologize for anything I’ve ever said ever. I’ve never done anything wrong. Ever. I’ve never even made a mistake before. I’m perfect.

Well unless you take into account that I’m a harsh asshole who’s been jaded by far too much from a life that probably no one on fedi has ever gotten a true glimpse into and I become toxic when gaslit and dogpiled. Yes. I am aware. I am a lot. So is fucking everyone involved in all this. We are literally all projecting our traumas at each other, not just in this situation but like, social media as a whole, but usually it stops when its supposed to and doesn’t become whatever this clusterfuck of a situation is.

Okay so, stepping back. Background.

I am Eris. Eris Disqordia. Aaahh oh no! Not that one! (And can I just say how funny it is that after thousands of years the way people react to the name Eris hasn’t changed once, it’s just a history of being rage-inducing because a lady threw an apple)

I’ve been on fedi for 3 years, and most of that time has been on Mastodon. I was on knzk, berries, bofa, radical.town, witches.live, you name it. I’ve never liked keeping an account for too long, because I’m an evolving human being who has been on this platform since I was homeless, since before I transitioned, but through that time I generally followed the same people, other leftist trans people like myself for the most part. That provides it a certain pseudo-anonymity, something we still have, but it isn’t as common anymore to have all these fun new Mastodon instances popping up where you get to craft all new personas and try out different themes and roleplays, because at this point the novelty of Mastodon has worn off, and certain cliques have enforced a certain culture and expected behavior after the fallouts of the berries.space drama, the Auntifa drama, the Wil Wheaton drama, the bofa drama, the many eugen dramas. And to some extent that’s fine, you know, like bad shit happened and it’s okay for the community to normalize and learn how to avoid future problems through a general social etiquette.

But from that, certain accounts have decided that this is what they were born to do. This is their calling: to harass anyone who’s “bad for the community” off the platform. They are the Protectors. The Vigilantes. (The cops.) And the community decided well okay, they’re agreeable, they’re leftists, they usually dunk on people who deserve it, there’s probably a virtuous reason for them to do so. And I’m sure plenty of the people they’ve harassed have been genuine assholes, but yeah basically they’ve now made Mastodon the perfect harmony and socialist utopia it is today where nothing bad happens (…right? hello??).

Enter the growing underbelly.

They call it all Pleroma, but there’s also Soapbox and the right wing Mastodon instances, including Gab which ran its own fork of Mastodon.

The underbelly has its own culture, but generally it’s where people end up if they come from chan boards with an edge already or they’re kicked off of most Mastodon instances, or a friend already in it brings them over. It doesn’t have as many users, but there’s still nonetheless *thousands* of instances that are part of it. They just usually federate with each other and stay off the radar until they interact with a Mastodon user, who goes to the fediblock hashtag to report it to the fedi police, the usual people dunk on it, and a single person (yes, one person) would put an “official” list together of every reported instance, after they individually have the final say in what’s concern-worthy and what’s not (kinda like a monarchy, except that it can get away with saying it’s a guideline or recommendation so it’s totally different).

Now meanwhile the fedi cops have gotten stressed. They’ve made themselves a target so many times by trying to harass someone off the platform that they’ve probably all been called everything and the criticisms of the common folk start to sound like noise. “I wouldn’t have 1,312 followers if I wasn’t a good person” they say, and thus get to get out of any genuine criticism against them individually, and their friend the fediblock admin decides any fediblock recommendations against *them* are just, like, you know, probably from bad people anyway so its not valid, get over it.

The stress gets to them. Their power starts to get weaker. The shit that happens to them gets worse and they start to get jaded and meaner themselves because “this platform is just so fucked up and people need to listen when a [blank] points out that this is happening, this person is [form of oppression] and like its so tiring that this happens”. You’ve heard the rants before, it’s usually the last ditch effort to bury someone when their reasons for canceling them don’t stick. But they know this *works* because no one in good conscience would actively side with someone who intentionally oppresses others.

But from this they have gone after:

pixie.town, anarchism.space, todon.eu, weirder.earth, rage.love, chaos.social, disqordia.space, cybre.space, mastodon.social, is.badat.dev, witches.live, snouts.online, kolektiva.social, vulpine.club, fedi.absturztau.be — and this is just the tip of the iceberg.

They harass the creator of Mastodon itself to get their way. They have sent sexual images to minors thinking they have a solid “gotcha!”. They’ve harassed disabled people, and joked about harassing them through their screen readers. They send everyone images of pig shit and an uncensored, improperly tagged dick. They are basically everything bad about 4chan harassment culture except with a leftist spin that they think makes it okay.

And what about Eris?

For me the “drama” started out pretty light. And then it got worse. And worse.

At first it started when I was on kolektiva.social. I got into an argument with one of their users ranting on about how anyone who experiences mental changes from hormones is lying because “there’s no such thing as a female or male brain”. Nevermind that the brain is subject to something called neuroplasticity where hormones can in fact shape it, I brought up the mental changes that I’ve experienced as a non-binary transfemme on estrogen, only to have that user freak out that I must be talking about a female brain. To this day they hold up that lie, but in comparison to everything else, this is fairly minor.

The real issue was when multiple Monads users started going after a black disabled person on Kolektiva. This person was a cis dude ranting on about racism within trans spaces. This wasn’t a particularly unique situation for him because to this day he still passionately calls out racism in every space, but they took issue with him speaking out against it among trans people because he is not trans.

Had it just been a criticism, it would be understandable. But they harassed him and then harassed the Kolektiva admins to ban him or they would defederate from Kolektiva and add Kolektiva to their list of instances that they talk shit about regularly (a fate that kolektiva did not avoid). The admins limited his account to talk to him, but he took this as white admins caving to white people trying to push off a black user, and so he left to weirder.earth where the admins took him in and called out Monads for being racist.

I’m sure you’ve seen the memes and posts about weirder.earth being bad and the racist one actually. This is where that stems from. Literally all because they took in someone being harassed, because Monads would prefer black and trans folks that speak out against them to be disappeared entirely.

I say hey, this is fucked up. You’re all dogpiling him and forcing the mods’ hands. Stop harassing him. The Kolektiva mods tell me I need to stop talking about it because they want to remain federated with Monads, and I end up the next target as a result of trying to protect my friend from harassment, so I leave kolektiva for deadinsi.de for a while before I jump to Pleroma and eventually make my own instance where I’m not subject to the whim of abusive twerps.

Enter Disqordia

Disqordia is my Pleroma instance, the idea behind it was at first just to be a single-user instance but then people wanted to join and get off their other platforms. I was aware that Pleroma was received as scary and evil, but at the end of the day it’s lighter on resources, has emoji reacts, and the UI is more comfortable to use, so I stuck with it.

At first when it was a single-user instance I kept an open federation policy just because it doesn’t really impact anyone. With that I started interacting with all these instances I’ve never heard of before — poa.st, kiwifarms, shitposter.club. And that started to get Disqordia in trouble because these are the “canceled instances”. I ended up defederating with poa.st and kiwifarms because I intervened when I saw them stalking and harassing pretty much every trans user on fedi. From harassing a cybre.space user asking for financial help, to using and laughing at a myasstodon.xyz user’s lewd account that wasn’t protected, to then gangstalking me and trying to get me to commit suicide. These instances aren’t cute or fun and they also need to be monitored better by leftists on fedi because otherwise they get away with everything. But that’s not the fedi way, we ignore and pretend its not happening.

Still to this day I have screenshots used against me of me interacting with these bad instances despite my lengthy defederation announcement calling out their harassment: https://disqordia.space/notice/A8jdOs4PWm0i7vFhXU

I didn’t know who they were before, I’m not versed in the underground channer culture of transphobes, and I defederated on my own terms. That it’s used against me still is absurd tbh but I digress.

Along this time, I made friends, I keep interacting with people…

Meanwhile….

Monads and co are having a collective meltdown. They wanted me to disappear and I didn’t. They start going after my friends. They stalk my profile to see who I interact with so they can ban them too. They pressure instance after instance to defederate from Disqordia. It never really did stick as well as they hoped because Disqordia’s doing just fine, never ended up actually fediblocked, and can still interact with most instances.

For me the stressful part came from them going after my friends. You can attack me and I can handle it, but people who interact with me have nothing to do with your weird obsession and drama. This continues for MONTHS. I made the instance in March, and it’s now been 4 months that this has gone on of these people talking badly about me, freaking out about my existence every few weeks, and harassing anyone related to me.

Eventually that wears me down, and I join dot social to tell them to fuck off and put an end to this, because me ignoring it has never worked. They start acting like they’ve been attacked, they try to label me as a “threat to safety” (something trans women are used to hearing from the right wing, not the left). They want me to be banned and Gargron doesn’t bow to their whim when the most I’ve done is be mean to them in response to months of abuse and gaslighting.

And so here we are today.

Odds are this essay may not have much of an impact in changing the situation but hey maybe it was an entertaining read for someone.

I don’t really want to continue this drama. I want it to end. That’s all I’ve ever wanted. Normal people have arguments, block each other, and forget their existence. But the Monads way is to block and then continue talking badly, to go after friends, to go after marginalized people, to blackmail admins into giving into their demands lest they start abusing their instance the same way. They’ve gone from vigilantes to the dickweeds of the fediverse. Odds are you’re familiar with this reputation. You can search “monads.online” on Twitter and find at least three instances in the past few months where people talk about the same things happening to them.

At what point does it stop? They’re safe from fediblock because of their long history of being the fediblockers. Most admins give in to just avoid being bullied themselves. They craft whatever narrative they wish and act as abusive as they want.

They are the leftist Kiwifarms, and I’m tired of being their lolcow. One day it could get someone killed just like they’ve already almost pushed several trans people to suicide.

That’s it, that’s the end. If you read this and think that I still deserve all the shit I’ve been through when at the end of the day I have only ever been calling out abuse they dish out to my friends, well, there’s no changing your mind.

I don’t force anyone to stop interacting with them. I don’t want to act like them. I don’t want people to defederate from them. But I do hope that one day they see accountability, something they demand of everyone else but are exempt from needing to hold themselves to.

Until then, I’m vibin’

 
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from Headspace Realm

Neurodiversity is a word heavily discussed in disability justice and in the movement for Autistic liberation, but conspicuously absent in virtually all other theory. Disability justice is a major field of activism with a long history, serving a demographic that intersects with all other oppressed people, yet disability is rarely incorporated into leftist theory. This is a fatal mistake.

There is one leftist current disability justice meshes particularly well with—xenofeminism. It is as far removed as one can get from assimilationist politics, which do not help disabled people but only erase us. Xenofeminism embraces difference, celebrates weirdness. Autistic people often see ourselves as alien to neurotypical society; in our own spaces we embrace our weirdness. Yet, analysis of disability or neurodiversity is absent from xenofeminist theory. The xenofeminist manifesto mentions disability exactly one time, and (in English) uses terminology disabled people have always hated. It is time for disability to be properly incorporated into feminism.

The Neurodiversity Movement

Neurodiversity is a rejection of a falsehood commonly taken for granted—that all human brains basically operate the same way, and that one that differs sufficiently from the norm is flawed. Neurodiversity rejects this oversimplified and ableist view of nature and asserts that conditions like autism, ADHD, Down syndrome, schizophrenia, dyslexia, and so-called personality disorders, are not an accident of birth or a mistake in upbringing, but a natural variation in human evolution, not superior or inferior to the neurotypical brain, merely different.

To all of the challenges neurodivergent people face living in a neurotypical-dominated world, neurodiversity would say these are never the fault of the wiring of our brains, but failures of society to accommodate us—by making life changing medication inaccessible to those who need it, by lacking basic environmental accommodations like low sensory spaces, or by gatekeeping neurodivergent people out of any position of influence. Neurodiversity is an inexorable part of disability, all neurodivergent people are disabled by a fundamentally ableist society.

Feminists should take notice of the neurodiversity movement—it is perhaps one of the movements least influenced by cis men. This is no coincidence, as research currently predicts that trans people are 3-6 times more likely to be Autistic than cis people. Almost every milestone in the history of the Neurodiversity movement can be traced to the work of someone who isn’t a cis man. Autistic sociologist Judy Singer was one of the first to use the word neurodiversity in her 1999 thesis. Jim Sinclair, a self-described “androgynous and nonsexual” intersex Autistic person, was one of the founders of the Autistic community as we know it in the early ‘90s. They helped organize the first self-advocacy network, Autism Network International, and the first Autistic-run yearly gathering, Autreat. Of the two major Autistic self-advocacy organizations in North America, the Autistic Self Advocacy Network is run by a majority of women, and the Autistic Women and Nonbinary Network is run entirely by non-men. There are many valid criticisms of the direction of those two organizations, but these demographics remain consistent in the majority of Autistic spaces. From the top of these major industrial non-profits to the floor of a locally organized Autistic self-advocacy conference, cis men are a scarcity. It is safe to characterize the neurodiversity movement as a movement of trans and nonbinary people, some cis lesbians, and the occasional cis man.

The Intersection of Ableism with Misogyny and Transmisogyny

The intersections of ableism with misogyny and transmisogyny are abundant. It was not fifty years ago that common mental illness like anxiety and depression in women was still diagnosed as a pseudoscientific “hysteria.” Hysteria appeared as a diagnosis in the DSM until 1980. Even without its diagnostic justification, medical and psychological professionals routinely dismiss and ignore their patients who are women (especially trans women), nonbinary people, or trans men. It remains a prevailing attitude in medicine and psychology that people perceived and classed as women are hysterical, too emotional to believe about their own bodies.

So many ableist words trace their origin to misogyny—hysteria (from the root of “uterus”), lunatic (one infected with periodic insanity dependent on the cycle of the Moon—the monthly hormonal cycle of estrogen dominant bodies). Outside medical contexts, we see this idea everywhere in society. A person perceived as a woman who steps out of line, speaks up too loudly, or has radical ideas, that is a crazy person, driven by uncontrolled emotion, a woman. And a revolutionary organization of women, that could only be mass hysteria.

Trans women are affected in our own unique ways. Being an Autistic trans woman is an endless feedback loop of transmisogyny and ableism. We cannot possibly know we are trans because as Autistic people we do not understand things like gender. We cannot possibly be Autistic because we have too great an understanding of our bodies and minds if we know we are trans. TERFs love to use Autistic people as a prop for their fascist ideology—accusing doctors of abusing Autistic people by letting us transition, telling us we are mentally incompetent with our own needs and bodies.

Second wave feminism pushed back hard against ideas like “hysteria.” Women are not crazy, they said. This was the wrong stance to take. Neurodiversity says it is okay to be crazy, there isn’t just one way of thinking and being a person—in saying this we seek to abolish craziness by embracing it as normal. If it is normal to be crazy, then it could never be used to justify the oppression of women or anyone else. Instead of a reactionary approach, “we’re not like them,” they could have stood with mentally ill and neurodivergent people in solidarity. The damage is done, and it is on the feminism of the future to correct this mistake. Feminism that leaves behind disabled and mentally ill women is no feminism at all!

As one consequence of feminism abandoning the neurodivergent, women and trans people are greatly underdiagnosed with Autism. There is no sound science suggesting that there actually are more Autistic cis men than any other demographic, yet they hold a sizeable advantage in diagnostic numbers. This has been used as self-reinforcing evidence that “boys” are more likely to be Autistic, or that autism presents differently along binary gender lines, both of which are unfounded claims. In anyone perceived as a woman by the medical system, what are obvious neurodivergent traits are written off as typical erratic female behavior.

This medical perception of incompetence directly leads to cis women, trans men, and TME nonbinary people being denied any surgery that will render them infertile—what if you change your mind? Aren’t you too young to know what you want?—questions not asked of cis men who seek permanent birth control options.

Ableism is one fuel for the fire of the movements against abortion and birth control, yet paradoxically it also leads to forced sterilization of disabled people of any gender held under guardianship or conservatorship. Eugenics of the disabled via forced sterilization has gone on unhindered since the birth of the American eugenics movement that was so inspirational to Nazi Germany. Neurodivergent and disabled people are viewed as forever-children, too innocent to ever be sexual beings. This is used to sexually repress disabled people, cover up sexual abuse of disabled people living under guardianship, and to force sterilization procedures on them. There is no outcry on this from the pro-life movement of course, it was never about birth, it has always been about control, and disabled people are under control.

We also see eugenics in the form of genetic testing for neurodivergence. A pre-natal test exists for Down Syndrome, and the result is that 92% of positive tests result in termination of the pregnancy. One of the major battles of the Autistic self-advocacy movement is against the development of a similar genetic test for autism, as we rightfully fear a massive eugenics campaign against people like us. This issue is spoken of by anti-abortion reactionaries only as a way of using disabled people as an object of pity to further their agenda. But because they take this stance at all, we Autistic self-advocates are often unfairly accused of being against abortion by feminists with no analysis of disability or eugenics in their theory. This is not at all the case. Choosing not to have a child is not wrong, but choosing to have a child and picking and choosing a specific child to have is eugenics. It is not the abortion we oppose, it is the genetic test that threatens our continued existence as a population while providing nothing useful to us. This issue is a pointless conflict between feminists and neurodiversity advocates that drives a wedge between movements largely run by the same people and inexorably linked together by a history of shared oppression.

Division Between the Disabled and the Left

To reactionaries, it is absurd to say someone should have a disabled child on purpose, because our extermination is so deeply ingrained in this capitalist society. It is absurd to them that we would let “those people” breed and produce more disabled people. Leftists who have read Kropotkin often cite a long history of humans taking care of the disabled, and evidence of disabled people living long lives even in prehistoric societies, as justification for mutual aid organizing in the modern world. But rarely do we see leftists actually analyze this issue in the present day with any depth or take a strong stance against eugenics. Reactionaries are hypocrites who use disabled people as a prop to erode away the right to abortion, but immediately cease to care about disabled people—or anyone else—at the moment of our birth. Leftists can be guilty of the opposite hypocrisy—ostensibly standing for mutual aid and the guaranteed survival of disabled people, but silent on whether we have the freedom to reproduce more disabled people.

In the history of the left, disabled people have ranged from a nonexistent specter, a societal product of bourgeois decadence, or an afterthought to any theory, begrudgingly accepted as real people but not incorporated in any realistic way into visions of a future world. None are more fundamentally ableist than anarcho-primitivists and other anti-tech leftists, whose ideas if enacted would invariably cause the death of millions of disabled people and trans people who depend on medical technology for their survival. They will tell you it will not cause this outcome, but offer no explanation how it will not. Most leftists are not advocating for the mass death of disabled people, but most still ignore our needs in a way that could lead to the same outcome, if leftist theory does not now incorporate disability in a meaningful way.

Unlike many fields of liberatory politics, the disability justice movement did not arise out of the left, but in spite of it. Leftists see a disability justice movement mired in the nonprofit-industrial complex, a movement that does not oppose capitalism. How can we expect them to be anything else, when radical theory and praxis was riddled with ableist and eugenicist ideas for so long, and still holds onto some of them? Disabled people currently dependent on state assistance to survive are right to be afraid of revolutionary movements that do not outline a path to replacing those systems, they look back on a history of revolution that left many people without support for long periods of time, conditions that disabled people cannot survive.

In spite of being thoroughly made unwelcome on the left, the disability justice movement is impressively radical, having engaged in direct actions such as Arthur Campbell chaining himself to city buses, or the massive 1990 “capitol crawl” action that resulted in the passage of the Americans with Disabilities Act, to date the only US legislation granting disabled people any real rights. This is a movement of oppressed people resisting oppression, it belongs on the left. Leftists should be working hard to close the gap between their organizing and that of disabled activists.

Disabled leftists do not like the nonprofit-industrial complex anymore than you do. You will find us in all radical organizations. If there are no disabled people in the room, you are not in a radical space. We are already here, fighting alongside the people who ignore our needs, who mockingly dismiss accusations of ableism within their organizations. So when will our abled and neurotypical comrades stand with us in our struggles? Where can we find a home on the left that is working to build a future we will be able to live in?

Xenofeminism Must Include Disability and Neurodivergence

Xenofeminism corrects many mistakes of the feminists before us, and this should be no exception. We have a lot to offer disability justice. We are anti-naturalist, or rather, against the supremacy of a static idea of nature. If nature is seen as endlessly mutable, then there is no one correct way to be a person, and nature can never be used to justify ableism. If we are to change society to better accommodate disabled people, we can change nature too! We have already been doing this for some time—psych meds improving our brain chemistry to help some of us live better lives, assistive communication technology to help nonspeaking Autistics communicate, prosthetic limbs becoming increasingly complex and improved, even open source and printable human limbs are on the horizon—disabled and mentally ill people have been cyborgs for a long time. As a demographic often made invisible and kept separate from society, we should be explicitly named as a part of a “politics of alienation.”

A vision of a future where disabled and neurodivergent people are free, autonomous, and guaranteed our survival is necessarily one that developed advanced enough technology to liberate us. Xenofeminism is a rare leftist ideology that seeks to use technology to aid us in our struggle and continue developing and improving it in a hypothetical post-capitalist world. Xenofeminism is gender abolitionist, and Autistic people are one of the most trans and nonbinary demographics in existence—there is no question that an Autistic world would not have a gender binary. We would thrive in a post-gender world.

Aside from all the potential xenofeminism has for the liberation of disabled and neurodivergent people, there is a reason we Autistic and disabled people must have a seat at the table—the danger of transhumanism. Transhumanist ideas carry the potential to liberate disabled people or to eradicate us. Disabled people must be present in any conversation that has the potential to turn to eugenics—we cannot trust abled people to keep our best interests in mind, we have learned this too many times throughout history. A transhumanist future without disabled people can only be the product of a genocide. But a transhumanist future that includes disabled and neurodivergent people, alongside trans people, women, and all other victims of alienation, is a truly liberated world.

For that reason xenofeminists must work to incorporate disability and neurodiversity theory into our own body of theory. The open source nature of xenofeminism makes it perfectly suited to such an adaptation, and it is imperative that we do so now. If we do not, our theory is fundamentally flawed. To xenofeminists and other leftists—familiarize yourself with the neurodiversity movement, with the struggles Autistic people are engaged in. Learn to see our enemies as your enemies—treat Autism Moms calling for eugenics as the fascists they are. Learn to view inaccessible spaces as hostile and demand better. Center disabled people in discussions about technology.

The future will be neurodiverse. And that future will include Autistic people of all presentations, of all the fake categories of “functioning” we are sorted into today. It will include psychotic people, it will include people with intellectual disability, it will include plural systems, it will include all of the people society would rather not see or acknowledge. It will include people who can’t contribute as much as others, and people who will never perform labor. While there is one institution, one person under guardianship, we have not abolished prisons. While one person cannot get the medicine or mobility device they need, we do not have healthcare. We disability organizers embrace this radical position—all those who are born deserve to live!

 
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from Headspace Realm

❄️ Hello, this is our attempted blog, we’re going to be posting politics and fiction, whatever we want, casually. This is writefreely, a federated blog system, other federated blogs can follow and interact with us here on writefreely, but you can also follow this blog from an account on pleroma, mastodon, etc, and see our posts from there. Unless you’re a fascist and you and your shithole instance got instance blocked by disqordia.space, in which case I wish you could see me tell you to fuck off but you can’t. It’s pretty cool.

So follow us here too if you want.

I’m too high to be writing this

 
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from wia

If one were to “want” to “attempt” a truly GNU-less Linux the biggest issue they would be likely to run into is the fact that not even musl libc is free from the clutches of gmake. The only way to avoid gmake with projects that require gmake is to either not use them at all, or find an alternative. Sadly there are extremely few alternatives, but one stands out in the small crowd; Kati. Kati is Google's solution to needing to avoid gmake, it converts Makefile's into ninja files.

  • Issues

Kati works well but has a few issues under its surface, such as:

  • Requirement of gmake or pre-existing ckati
  • Lack of proper documentation
  • Creation by Google

I hope to fix 2 of these issues in the future, first starting with the gmake dependency; Its build process seems simple... I should be able to make it compatible with POSIX make/bmake.

 
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from greyperson

I’ve been meaning to try this. not sure what I’m gonna put here.

I suppose we’ll see.

 
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from Eris of Disqordia

I want to be invisible. I’m tired of being seen. Because when I’m seen, you don’t see me. I was born cursed, a beast. I don’t want to scare you. I hope this doesn’t inconvenience you. I stay away for your comfort. I stay away from your spaces. I am not seen. I won’t be your monster. I am uncomfortable for your comfort. But that’s okay.

Raped by the monster. He takes my humanity. Thoughts become hard. I cry for help but no one’s there. I am broken, damaged. I am a monster. A beast.

Strength. Rebirth. I’ve killed the monster but I’ve lost touch with the human. What am I? I’m still broken, but I start to see me. In the mirror is not a beast. It’s me. I see me. A new face, but a familiar face. My body changes. I’ve lost my claws and fur. I’ve killed the beast and gained the human. The monsters know.

The war never stops. I have slayed many beasts but there’s no end in sight. The wounds bleed out. The bite and claw marks decorate my body. But I’m not alone. You fight yours too. But you see me and still see a monster. I’ve overcome but yet I am still a beast. A predator. You make your territory clear. You’ll slice me down just the same. And so I fight the monsters alone.

You cry for your lost sisters. How can we lose another one? Yet here I am, lost, bleeding, alone. I beg for you to see me. But sins I’ve not commit can’t be atoned. And so I beg again to not be seen. I want to be invisible.

 
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from wia

When I was younger my asthma was much worse, not that it’s much better after I smoked, but none the less, I had many problems. Breathing was never fun, running was hard, just walking up or down the stairs would leave me gasping for air, doing anything at all was hard. But there were times when my asthma would do quite well sometimes even possibly too well…

Around the time of one of my comas, my asthma had been doing quite well, hadn’t needed my inhalers for multiple months! Yet soon I’d have an asthma attack, one that’d put me in the Hospital, then in a coma, and soon I’d wake up in a different Hospital, all the way in Hamilton… As a child I cared little, doctors would fix me up and I’d be back at home in no time! But I’m not 6 or 9 anymore… and while I’m alive my coma's have, affected me in various ways…

Why can’t I remember…

It’s unlikely that I can recall correctly, but I think I remember being given meds after my coma’s, to “forget what happened“… But I doubt thats correct, since literally all my other memories from then are hallucinations… I could easily blame my memory issues on any number of things, bad meds, depression, etc… but I normally don’t much care, though it makes it almost impossible to figure out what problems are actually mine and not left overs of his…

Sleeping… but for a long time

Waking up from one of my coma’s is about all I can remember from them that I know was real… The feeling is,, so unusual… you don’t know that more then a few hours have passed… but it’s been a week since you were last awake, and as you find that out, if feels almost unsettling, theres a week of time missing for your mind, memory, and internal clock, and it will always be missing…

Might not wake up

I think one of my biggest fears is just, not waking up one day… With each coma it was pressed into me that there was a high chance I could have no woken up, and just died in the coma… it was pressed in to me even more when my lungs collapsed when I was 12, and they avoided putting me in a coma at all costs… Maybe I was more impressionable as a kid, but I have a huge fear of sleep, and just never waking up, but the weirdest part is how it’s taken multiple forms as my desires have changed with time… At first I was scared I would die alone, falling asleep to just never wake up, with no one ever holding me… but now it’s become *bigger**,*** now the fear is that I won’t live long enough to escape my cage, my mind, his body… It’s like I’m trapped in a cage with multiple layers, and the only escape is to change the cage’s outside…

But your only 17!11!!1!

You might be saying “but your only 17!?11!?!!11! Theres no way you’ll die in your sleep yet!11!?!!1!1“ but to take I say, I’m only 17 and have 2 wholes weeks missing from my internal clock… I’m only 17 and have hallucinations where I should have memories… I’m only 17 and I can’t remember anything before I was 13… My age means nothing about what I’ve experienced…

 
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from MoNo

Random diary entry #2

Written in this description was a monster, a tyrannical super being who cannot control itself or control the external effects. which taken a form of a slender and pale man who often covers his face. Habits he formed which became the lust for forbidden acts using deception, most of which in resulted in destruction.

he lived with his mother and father and the two other siblings. he had given away murderous intent towards his family, however not his own parents. he knew no real reason as to why he was so tormented, the reason the man suspects was forgotten a long time ago and he knew it may have been he himself who locked away the memories. the culprit may have been trauma or something else.

The episodes of his mind existing in deadly places, appearances reality shattering beings, experiencing obscure pieces of emotions. fearing of the being above him. he is undoubtedly weak emotionally in contrast to the average mind.

Monsters could be interpreted differently, in which in this experiment is about achieving a metamorphosis.

 
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from MoNo

Random diary entry #1

Dear diary. It's an awfully nice morning and the sky is turning cold and blue. will always be yesterday, will always be tomorrow. and I'm grateful to be a living person and the end of the world hasn't yet to come. If it's polite to ask dear diary, would it be okay if I want more things than usual?

There is one thing I want, It is to become a pride of my beloved guardian. because I may have owed a lot to this person. She has broken my shell of delusions, it made me realize the truth and reality. The world started moving again and I could see more color. And for the first time I can do things on my own. for that reason I want her to be at peace for my sake. and I want her to be proud of what I had become.

May the world love her as she deserves to be happy. Protect her as she has saved me from the dark, colorless, and slow moving world of torment.

If the world does not protect her, then shall I not forgive the world.

 
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