The embedding of coma's

When I was younger my asthma was much worse, not that it’s much better after I smoked, but none the less, I had many problems. Breathing was never fun, running was hard, just walking up or down the stairs would leave me gasping for air, doing anything at all was hard. But there were times when my asthma would do quite well sometimes even possibly too well…

Around the time of one of my comas, my asthma had been doing quite well, hadn’t needed my inhalers for multiple months! Yet soon I’d have an asthma attack, one that’d put me in the Hospital, then in a coma, and soon I’d wake up in a different Hospital, all the way in Hamilton… As a child I cared little, doctors would fix me up and I’d be back at home in no time! But I’m not 6 or 9 anymore… and while I’m alive my coma's have, affected me in various ways…

Why can’t I remember…

It’s unlikely that I can recall correctly, but I think I remember being given meds after my coma’s, to “forget what happened“… But I doubt thats correct, since literally all my other memories from then are hallucinations… I could easily blame my memory issues on any number of things, bad meds, depression, etc… but I normally don’t much care, though it makes it almost impossible to figure out what problems are actually mine and not left overs of his…

Sleeping… but for a long time

Waking up from one of my coma’s is about all I can remember from them that I know was real… The feeling is,, so unusual… you don’t know that more then a few hours have passed… but it’s been a week since you were last awake, and as you find that out, if feels almost unsettling, theres a week of time missing for your mind, memory, and internal clock, and it will always be missing…

Might not wake up

I think one of my biggest fears is just, not waking up one day… With each coma it was pressed into me that there was a high chance I could have no woken up, and just died in the coma… it was pressed in to me even more when my lungs collapsed when I was 12, and they avoided putting me in a coma at all costs… Maybe I was more impressionable as a kid, but I have a huge fear of sleep, and just never waking up, but the weirdest part is how it’s taken multiple forms as my desires have changed with time… At first I was scared I would die alone, falling asleep to just never wake up, with no one ever holding me… but now it’s become *bigger**,*** now the fear is that I won’t live long enough to escape my cage, my mind, his body… It’s like I’m trapped in a cage with multiple layers, and the only escape is to change the cage’s outside…

But your only 17!11!!1!

You might be saying “but your only 17!?11!?!!11! Theres no way you’ll die in your sleep yet!11!?!!1!1“ but to take I say, I’m only 17 and have 2 wholes weeks missing from my internal clock… I’m only 17 and have hallucinations where I should have memories… I’m only 17 and I can’t remember anything before I was 13… My age means nothing about what I’ve experienced…

~ Our minds are cages